Fire Song Read online

  Shane freezes, knowing Tara must be watching for a reaction after dropping that bomb. She’s coming with me? Who makes an announcement like that in front of a bunch of people without even being invited?

  “Awww … now you got a wife!” Kyle shouts. Shane gets up off the couch to keep from losing his shit.

  Their voices follow him as he walks over to the fridges where Debbie is sitting.

  “Girls like you never leave,” Ashley says.

  Kyle laughs. “They’ll come back next year all whitewashed and just real snobby ’bout everything.”

  “Too late!” Ashley shrieks.

  Shane calls back to Kyle. “And what about you? You graduated like four years ago. You just gonna keep sitting around on your auntie’s couch jerking it all day?” Shane can tell that one struck a nerve, because Kyle stumbles a bit. “I— I’m gonna take over the family business!”

  “HA! You’ll need to learn how to count first!” Debbie snaps back. Everyone laughs. Debbie turns to Shane and winks. “Whaddaya want?”

  “Vodka.” Shane passes Debbie some cash. She flattens it carefully and tucks it into the heavy metal safe that sits beside her. Debbie gets up with a cracking of joints and shuffles to the fridges. Shane can’t help but let his eyes be drawn to the memorial wall Debbie has set up behind the card table. There’s a gaudy crucifix that she mounted near the ceiling with a photo collage of dead and missing community members pasted lovingly below. Car accidents, drownings, overdoses, suicides—the ones who died of natural causes didn’t usually make it to Debbie’s board, unless they were related to someone high up in her church. A wide ribbon above the crucifix says Forever at Peace in curling script. With a sickening lurch, Shane notices a school photo of Destiny mounted in the middle of the display. A centerpiece. His field of vision narrows, carving away the clutter of buildings and the other faces on the wall until all he can see is Destiny’s eyes. Is that the way Debbie always does it, with the most recently departed taking up the middle spot like some fucked-up version of employee of the month? Shane claws through his memories but he can’t recall who last occupied that place of honor.

  There was one time when Shane was here at Debbie’s compound about a year ago looking for Kyle, but no one was around. There were chains on the fridges to keep people from messing with them, but the scrapbook was still out. Shane had seen it before, but this was the only time he got a chance to sneak a look at it. When he opened the cover, he saw page after page of names, pictures, and obituaries. All the suicides, disappearances, and accidental deaths in the community for the last thirty years had been cataloged, starting with Debbie’s brother. He fell through the ice one night in March, in a spot everyone, including him, knew was too thin to hold a man’s weight. Some of the Catholics didn’t want him in their graveyard, but Debbie wouldn’t take no for an answer.

  Now, while Debbie’s back is turned, Shane opens up the scrapbook again. He knows what he’s going to find there, and he knows it’s going to make him feel worse, but he has to look anyway. Shane flips past decades of yellowed newsprint with notes in the margins, stories and photos of people gone before their time. Tragedy after tragedy. When he gets to the last page, Destiny’s face is there smiling back at him. Debbie has the funeral program pasted at the back of the book with a handwritten note: suicide, hanging. When Shane looks up, Debbie is watching. She smiles, showing a bit of lipstick on her teeth. “It’s a nice picture, isn’t it?”

  Shane scans her features for a sign that she’s trying to be cruel or kind. But maybe it’s neither. Maybe she’s just stating a fact. “Yeah, it is nice,” he says lamely.

  *

  Shane and the others take off from the compound with the 40 of vodka in hand, looking like a bunch of kids let out from school early. Once they get some distance from Debbie’s they stop and huddle in the middle of the road. They each hold out their red plastic cup for Shane to fill. An amber glow from the security light at Janice’s store warms their faces.

  “’Bout time we got our drink on,” grumbles Kyle.

  “Is that you saying thanks?” Shane fills his cup, then moves on to fill the others’.

  They take a few sips, enough to keep from spilling while they walk, then set off toward the lake. The vodka loosens their tongues and gives them permission to have the kind of fun that, as they get older, seems impossible to do without a little help. When they turn the corner, laughing, David is walking ahead of them.

  Kyle points with his lips and calls out, “That kid is such a fag.”

  Ashley slaps Kyle’s shoulder playfully. “Don’t say that. It makes you sound like a prick!”

  “I don’t care.”

  David crosses to the other side of the street, obviously trying to get away from them. Shane shakes his head. As if you can avoid anyone in a place this small.

  Kyle shouts out, “What, me and Shane aren’t your type, medicine man!?” Kyle laughs at his own joke, but no one else does. They know that encouraging him inevitably leads to bigger problems. Shane keeps his eyes on his feet, silently willing Kyle to stop.

  “No, seriously, you’re hurting my feelings now!” Kyle yells.

  David walks a little faster. “Don’t be an asshole,” Shane says. “He was Destiny’s best friend.” Kyle looks back at Shane like he’s trying to figure out whether he wants to go after him or David. But Shane is Kyle’s booze ticket for the night, so he’s safe.

  “It’s true, Kyle. He was,” Tara says.

  Shane watches David’s hunched shoulders up ahead. Until now, he’s been careful not to spend time with David in public. But it’s possible that their shared grief over Destiny’s death might be enough to justify the two of them hanging out. People might still talk, but they’d have an excuse. Shane breaks eye contact with Kyle. “Back in a sec.”

  Shane jogs up behind David. “Hey!” Shane calls.

  David’s head jerks around, wide-eyed. “Oh shit—it’s just you.”

  “Sorry—did I scare you?” David shrugs. “Why don’t you walk with us for a bit?”

  David eyes the others suspiciously. “Where?”

  “Wherever.”

  Kyle calls out in a high-pitched, lisping voice, “Daveeeeey. I won’t bite, Daveeeey!”

  David glances over his shoulder at Kyle. “Nah, I’m just gonna head home.”

  “C’mon. It’ll be fun.”

  “I seriously doubt that.”

  Shane tries to pass David his cup, but he pushes it away. Shane doesn’t have the patience to keep this up. “What’s wrong with you?”

  David thumbs the zipper of his hoodie uncertainly. “You totally ignored me at the memorial.”

  “I thought you wanted to play it cool when we’re out.”

  “Yeah. But you were like, glued to Tara though.”

  “I wouldn’t still be with her if you didn’t want it that way.”

  David frowns. Shane knows he’s messing this up, but he honestly has no idea what David wants most of the time. Sometimes what they have feels crazy intense, like they’re the only people on the planet who have ever really seen each other. But other times it’s like this.

  They grew up together, but they never really hung out much until David and Destiny became really close a year and a half ago. It started with Shane hanging out with David and Destiny from time to time, playing video games or wandering around in the bush. Shane had heard a rumor that David was gay, and he didn’t know if it was true, but the idea sparked something in him. He definitely didn’t think of himself as gay. But he didn’t really know what he was or when you were supposed to figure it out for sure. Maybe he didn’t need a label. All the available words felt dirty or wrong somehow. When he let his mind go there, the idea of kissing a mouth with stubble around it made him hard in about five seconds. But a bit of breeze while walking around in sweatpants could do the same thing so he didn’t really know if
it was David he was attracted to or men in general, or just the novelty of it.

  The first time something happened between him and David was at Shane’s house one night when David was sleeping over. Destiny had already gone to bed, and David was supposed to be sleeping in the living room. A little after midnight, Shane heard a tap at his door, and then it opened quietly.

  “You awake?” David asked.

  “Yeah.”

  David closed the door behind him and came toward the bed. “I couldn’t sleep, and Destiny’s right out of it, so … is it okay I’m here?”

  “Yeah. Sure. No problem.”

  “Thanks.”

  “You can sit down here if you want.” Shane pulled himself up awkwardly as David settled on the blanket beside him. Shane drew the blankets a little more tightly around his waist, excruciatingly aware that he was naked under the covers. Shane looked at David, taking in every tic and signal he might be giving with his body language, searching David’s face for an objection, a threat, or an invitation.

  “The couch is kind of uncomfortable. I think I’m too tall for it now.”

  “Oh. Yeah?” Shane asked, appalled at his inability to string together a group of words more than one or two syllables long.

  “Do you think I could sleep here? I’ll be out before your mom and Destiny are up, I promise.”

  Shane panicked. He had no idea what to say. “Uhhh … I would but I’m sleeping naked.”

  “That’s okay.” David stood up and pulled off his T-shirt. Shane admired the soft curve of David’s spine in the moonlight for a moment before he realized that David was pulling off his underwear too.

  Holy shit. What’s going on?

  Shane caught a brief glimpse of David’s erection before he slid into bed and it disappeared beneath the covers. David turned so that he and Shane were face-to-face, but not touching. Shane’s mind dashed through the sequence of events since David had come into the room, searching for any indication that he was wrong about what he thought was going on here. He felt the heat from David pulsing toward him like waves lapping at the shore.

  From that night on, David slept over at Shane and Destiny’s house a lot. Shane hung out with his other friends as much as possible, keeping his distance from David during school. He was smart. He had lots of friends and a great girlfriend, but it didn’t feel like he was really living until after midnight, alone in his bedroom with David. It wasn’t right that he would have to give up his whole life here to build something with David, but that’s what it would take. As far as he knew, there had never been any couples like them on the rez. He was ready to do it, though. He was ready to walk away from it all and start something new, but David wouldn’t let him.

  Now with Destiny gone, there are no more excuses for them to see each other. As far as anyone knows, they aren’t even friends, so the endless tangled-up nights in Shane’s bedroom are a thing of the past. When they can get together, one of them always has his eye on the door, terrified of being discovered. Eventually they always find a way to lose themselves in the moment, but the pleasure of burying their grief in each other’s bodies never lasts long. Walking home alone, Shane always feels worse than he did before. These days, any kind of pleasure feels wrong.

  *

  “You drinking with us or what?” Ashley asks, stone-faced. Kyle and Tara trail behind her. It looks like their red cups are nearly empty.

  “Of course he is,” Shane says.

  This time, when Shane passes his drink to David, he takes it.

  “I thought medicine men didn’t drink,” Kyle sneers.

  “Priests aren’t supposed to touch little boys either, and we all know how that worked out.” David winks and takes a sip of vodka.

  Huh huh huh huh! Ashley’s low belly laugh gathers momentum until everyone joins in. It’s impossible not to laugh when Ashley is laughing. Thank god she laughs a lot—they’ve needed it lately.

  “What did you say to me?”

  David throws him a look that says, You heard me, then tosses his head back and downs Shane’s drink in one go.

  That gets Ashley going again, which sets the others off. “Huh, huh, huh, aaiiieeeeeeeee ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!” Ashley tries to catch her breath. “Fuckin’ medicine man! Aaaaiiieeeeeeeeee hahahaha!” Kyle shakes his head and shoves his hands in his pockets, sulking. One by one, each of them runs out of laughter, until all they can hear is the whine of unseen insects.

  “So, medicine man, is your grandma still talking to ghosts and shit?” Kyle smiles to make it seem like he’s not still pissed.

  Shane doesn’t buy it. “Shut up, Kyle, you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  Kyle smirks. “I’m just sayin’. It’s not my problem they don’t believe in god.”

  “So? I don’t believe in god either.” Ashley laughs.

  Kyle grabs a handful of her ass. “Yeah, but we already know you’re going to hell.”

  “If I do it’s your fault!” Ashley gives Kyle a shove, but Shane can just tell she’s loving her life right now. When Ashley and Kyle first got together, Shane bet Tara that they wouldn’t last more than a week after Kyle started having sex with Ashley. But here they are more than a year later. Kyle’s always chasing other girls, but as long as it’s kept out of Ashley’s face she seems happy enough with the crumbs he gives her.

  David looks like he’s been holding his breath for the last minute or so. Shane makes a mental note to get better at predicting and avoiding moments like these, when the two sides of his life collide.

  “The spirits are real,” David says. “Ask the old people.”

  “Which old people? My old people tell me your spirits are just the devil, so …” Kyle catches a look between Shane and David. “What do your old people say about smoking pole? Your spirits like to watch that?”

  Shane stops walking. “Jesus Christ. Can both of you just shut up? Nobody wants to hear you argue about whose fairy tales are better.”

  Tara and Ashley giggle uncomfortably. Shane feels David pulling away, like air rushing out of a balloon.

  Ashley gasps and her eyes widen like a bad actress in a horror movie. “Oh god … I can feel it now!”

  “Feel what?” Kyle asks.

  “The spirits. They’re … they’re gonna get us!” Ashley’s voice trembles, trying to make her bubbling laughter seem like a sob.

  Tara grabs Ashley’s wrist and bugs her eyes out. “Oh shiiiit, I can feel it too!”

  “Run!” Tara takes off running, yanking Ashley by the sleeve. Ashley yelps and allows herself to be dragged, cackling with laughter, behind her. Kyle shakes his head and jogs after them, following the girls down a path to the beach. Shane and David watch them go. Their voices fade into the night, already sounding like a memory of laughter.

  Shane cranes his neck behind him. The road is empty. He tentatively reaches out and hooks David’s pinkie with his finger. It’s awkward, as if by touching him he’s actually increased the distance between them. David jerks his hand away and puts it in his pocket where Shane can’t reach it. So much for romance.

  chapter six

  Back at home. Hiding in my room waiting for Shane to text. I lost track of him and David after we ran to the beach. I kept thinking they were behind us but they must have thought we were going someplace else because they never showed up. I hate being around Kyle without Shane. As soon as there’s a woman without a boyfriend he’s all over her like a dog marking his territory. Seriously. I swear he’d spray me with pee and claim me as his own if he could get away with it. He’d do the same with half of the girls around here if he could. He didn’t even care that Ashley was there. He took every chance he could to tuck a bit of hair behind my ear or to put his arms around me to “help me up” off the ground. Creep. Ashley finally shoved him off when he tried to kiss me. He said he was just fooling around but … whatever.


  Speaking of creeps, Dad is on the prowl again. I came in to find him with some cheap piece from Brickport or somewhere. He tried to get me to hang out, but I’ve been down that road. He gets a few drinks in and suddenly his hands do whatever they want to without thinking, apparently. It’s partly my fault. When I was younger I let it happen because I thought it was normal. But I can spot the signs better now and mostly avoid him when he’s like that.

  I started to write another poem on my way home but I can hardly remember it now.

  Battle-worn girls drum

  Down the winter road

  Calluses cracked open with blood and dirt.

  We climb

  Rattles clattering over

  Potholes and fallen trees

  Fallen sisters in our path.

  They say the trail’s been blazed.

  Ha. Funny. Tell me another one.

  Torched, more like.

  Ashes and tears make

  Shitty war paint

  No matter.

  Our feet keep moving.

  Eyes peeled for signs of spring

  Shoots of fireweed

  From cold embers.

  Ashley always bugs me about what I’m writing. I tell her it’s just something to pass the time, but we both know that’s a lie. When I reach out for a word and put it in my book, I become more solid. Like I’ve been a ghost for my whole life but now, with a pen in my hand, I might be able to write myself into existence. Into someone worth seeing, worth being, worth taking care of. Maybe one day I’ll feel like I’m finally myself and can put my pen down.

  chapter seven

  The sky and the water glitter endlessly in the moonlight. Shane and David pick their way down to the unlit point by looking for the narrow band of rocks and shadow, the only place that doesn’t sparkle with silver stars and their jittery reflections. Wind rushes through the shoulder-high grass, telling stories in a language Shane wishes he could understand. Evie and the elders say people have to listen to the voices of the four-legged people, the rock people, and the plant people. Hearing that makes the hairs on his neck stand up, but he stops short of believing it’s real. Last year, Shane told Mr. Kolasky what Evie said about talking to animals. Kolasky pushed his glasses up on his beak and scrutinized Shane’s face, trying to gauge how serious he was. Science teachers can’t stand to be teased. After a moment, Mr. Kolasky told Shane that Evie was probably speaking more metaphorically than literally. He said that there are many ways to “talk” to the plants and animals, and scientific study is probably the most effective way. When Shane told Evie what Mr. Kolasky had said, she couldn’t stop laughing all night.